Well, last week was a doozy. I can't think of a more difficult several days I've experienced since T left us a year-and-a-half ago. In fact, part of me would like to stay in bed for another few weeks just to digest and assimilate everything that happened. Monday night, Jonathan and I had (what I described to Kenzie as) a disagreement. I won't go into detail, but the long and short of it was that he doesn't trust me as much as I thought he did. Okay, so I thought his trust was limitless. What can I say? I'm a girl who likes her fantasies. But still, it wasn't a good way to spend Monday evening. Or all day Tuesday.
Tuesday afternoon, I wrote an emotional, rambling letter to Jonathan. Oh, it was full of all the things I wanted to say but couldn't. Or shouldn't. It wasn't fair. It wasn't nice. But it was definitely raw. Too raw. So, I sat down with an old Jon Kabat Zinn book (Wherever You Go There You Are) and skimmed through it until something grabbed my heart. There it was, the chapters on patience and letting go:
From the perspective of patience, things happen because other things happen. Nothing is separate and isolated. There is no absolute, end-of-the-line, the-buck-stops-here root cause. If someone hits you with a stick, you don't get angry at the stick, or at the arm that swung it; you get angry at the person attached to the arm. But if you look a little deeper, you can't find a satisfactory root cause or place for your anger even in the person, who literally doesn't know what he is doing and is therefore out of his mind at that moment. Where should the blame lie, or the punishment? Maybe we should be angry at the person's parents for the abuse they may have showered on a defenseless child. Or maybe at the world for its lack of compassion....
Letting go means just what it says. It's an invitation to cease clinging to anything - whether it be an idea, a thing, an event, a particular time, or view, or desire. It is a conscious decision to release with full acceptance into the stream of present moments as they are unfolding. To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your reaction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking. It's akin to letting your palm open to unhand something you have been holding onto.
So, I wrote another letter. That's the one I showed to him Tuesday evening. But, I still wasn't quite okay. I still felt small and quiet.
By Wednesday, I decided that I had to get out of the house. Dress up. Speak to people. I decided I needed a day. So, I started with my very favorite thrift shop and worked my way down the highway hitting used bookshops, garden centers, antique stores, my favorite taco place.... By Wednesday evening, I felt relatively normal. Thank goodness.
Yesterday (Saturday), however, the three of us took a trip into Austin. Kenzie's birthday is tomorrow, and he's decided to become vegan. He often uses his birthday to make big changes in his life, and when he does it this way, the changes tend to stick. So, we went out to The Mellow Mushroom where he could order a gooey, cheesy pizza, and Jonathan and I could order a veggie pizza with a bit of Daiya. Mmm.... Anyway, after pizza (and gourmet popcorn from Cornucopia!), we headed to the Texas Memorial Museum (aka the dinosaur museum) on UT's campus. When Kenzie was little, we spent a lot of time there. In fact, the last time we were there was when Kenzie was five. He wore his dinosaur costume (he wore it most places in those days) and told me all about the dinosaurs whose fossils we encountered (he likes to teach). Then, he spent the afternoon rolling down the grassy hill outside and climbing on the horse statue.
|Here's Kenzie at about five years old. |
Not sure where all the dinosaur costume photos have gotten to....
But, this morning, I'm fine. (Phew!) This week has really taken a toll on me, though. I can tell I need to make some tea and... cake! With Kenzie's birthday tomorrow, I'm planning to make vegan chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting - and sprinkles! That cake is sort of a birthday tradition around here.
|Here he is last year with his chocolate cake. Yum!|